


Dolley Payne: Human Disaster

by thisprentiss



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alexander Hamilton/Elizabeth Schuyler (mentioned), Multi, Thomas Jefferson/James Madison (implied) - Freeform, the ladies are just having a gr8 drunk time and dolley is a mess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-21
Updated: 2016-06-21
Packaged: 2018-07-16 09:14:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,770
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7261987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thisprentiss/pseuds/thisprentiss
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Well shit" was really the only reasonable reaction to what was happening when Angelica woke up on Maria Reynolds' front porch on a floral pattern sofa watching her girlfriend being arrested by five cops off the roof of Thomas Jefferson's house.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dolley Payne: Human Disaster

**Author's Note:**

> lmao someone save me from this hell

"Well shit" was really the only reasonable reaction to what was happening when Angelica woke up on Maria Reynolds' front porch on a floral pattern sofa watching her girlfriend being arrested by five cops off the roof of Thomas Jefferson's house.

The night before had certainly been an adventure.

It was Dolley's idea, really, to go out and celebrate Eliza's engagement at a bar. The bar they chose, in question, well... that one was Angelica's idea. A mistake, too. Because who happened to be bar tending that night other than the one and only single most obnoxious human being on the planet; Thomas Jefferson.

"What's the occasion, ladies?" he asked, leaning on the counter and wiggling his eyebrows in Angelica's direction, "I don't usually see y'all in my bar."

"This isn't _your_ bar, Thomas," Dolley said, crossing her arms. Angelica had to fight off a smug smirk as Thomas gave her an offended look. "James owns it. I used to date him, I know his business stuff."

Eliza put a hand on Dolley's shoulder, pushing her back and shaking her head as if to say _lay off, we just want to have a good night._ "Alexander and I are engaged," she explained, looking behind Thomas at the selection of alcohol, "And I'll have a dirty martini. Girls, what do you want?"

They wound up doing rounds of shots, and Martha somehow got involved in a drinking contest against a man with a handlebar mustache. Maria, who was somehow the only sober one, was mediating and bringing shots, everyone else staring intently at the two sitting across the table from each other, drinks and money clenched in their hands. "I could do this all day," Martha slurred, tossing back another shot, "I ate a whole loaf of bread before we came."

It was only three shots later that handlebar mustache man passed out, head clunking on the table, and Maria grabbed up Martha's hand and thrusted it in the air. "We have a winner!" she yelled; it earned drunken cheers from everyone in the bar, the girls who had been watching handing over their money to each other. Maria ordered another Shirley Temple and thanked the good lord that she'd convinced Thomas to pay for everyone's drinks. "Does anyone want to go back to my place and watch horror movies?"

Angelica, who was currently tongue deep in Dolley's mouth, was the first to jump forward, flinging her girlfriend off her lap and onto the floor. "I do! Fuck, who's seen Insidious!?" she said, spinning around and looking at the other women. "Let's do it, let's go, let's go, I'm so ready for this!"

"I don't own Insidious, Ang," Maria said, an amused smile on her face, "We can watch Poltergeist, though. And whatever's on Netflix."

"Poltergeist!" Angelica cheered, pumping her fist in the air.

"Ayy! Poltergeist!" echoed the drunk men at the bar. Thomas rolled his eyes, looking down at what appeared to be a _very_ expensive watch.

"That's my shift, everybody. Manning, get up here. I'm ready to go home," he snapped, pulling the purple apron off over his head and hanging it up on a coat rack behind the bar. Martha Manning, who had been sitting in a corner booth reading on a kindle, stood up and stretched before walking over. "Can you take my eleven thirty tomorrow? I've got a thing."

"Sure, whatever," Manning responded, slipping on her apron and immediately turning to take a random man's order.

"Hey, Jefferson!" Maria shouted from across the bar, waving him over with wild gestures of her arms. He approached the group of drunk women with a raised eyebrow and an amused look on his face. "Is there any way you could help me walk these assholes home? I mean we're neighbors. If not, that's fine, but-"

"I dunno, Reynolds, that might require some _payment._ Especially after I paid for y'all's drinks tonight," he said, and Maria slapped him across the face, leaving a hand print as red as her lipstick on his cheek. "Right, right, whatever. That was a one time hookup, I get it. Yeah, I'll help you walk them home, I'm going that way anyway."

Shockingly, no one walked into traffic and died. The walk home was actually rather uneventful, save for Martha trying to pee on a pigeon and Dolley tripping over a damn potato chip that was on the sidewalk.

Once they got back to Maria's house, however, that was a different story.

A story that none of them, other than Maria herself, actually remembered the next day. But it all led up to that moment when Angelica woke up on the sofa on the porch with a massive hangover.

She sat up, confused and rubbing her head, and looked around at the bright morning. _Too bright,_ she decided, squinting, _way too bright._ There were two cars parked in the street outside the house, and as she looked closer, she realized that the flashing lights weren't just in her head. _Police cars. Holy shit, those are police cars!_

Her eyes flew open and she jumped up, ignoring the wave of nausea it sent through her, and spun around several times to try and figure out what was going on. Martha was on the ground, drooling, massive red curls in a mess all over her head, and Eliza was hanging half way out the window. Her lipstick had been smeared all over her chin, and she had what looked like a plate of nachos balancing precariously on her stomach.

And Maria was standing in the front lawn talking to a police officer, hair in braids, red bathrobe wrapped around her body. That only left Dolley. _Where the fuck is Dolley!?_

"Oh, one of my friends is awake, can I go talk to her?" that was Maria talking, saying that to the police officer. _Oh, she's getting bigger, what the hell?_ It took Angelica a second to realize that Maria was getting bigger because she was walking toward her, arms crossed. "You look like shit."

"Yeah?" Angelica said, blinking, and Maria let out a slight giggle. The situation obviously wasn't as dire as it seemed when Angelica first woke up. "What's going on? Why are the cops? Here?"

"You might wanna sit down for this," Maria said. The two women walked back up to the couch where Angelica had woken up, taking a seat. "You guys were drunk as shit last night. I mean wiped the fuck out."

"Yeah, I can tell."

"Yeah. Anyway, we got home and Thomas helped us get Netflix pulled up, and then he went back to his house. I thought everybody was gonna go to sleep while we watched the Lazarus Effect, but apparently Peggy thought it was a good idea to start doing _more_ shots," she said, and Angelica shook her head quickly, groaning at the pain.

"Peggy? Peggy was here?" she asked.

"Um, Peggy was with us the entire night last night. Jeez, you were so smashed," Maria laughed, "Anyway, you guys are getting really drunk, and I sort of started to get in on the fun a little. But not too much. Alcohol puts me right to sleep. So it's like three in the morning and my heater breaks and starts heating up the house like crazy, and it won't shut off, so Martha gets the great idea to come and sleep on the _porch._ "

"How'd the couch get out here?" Angelica said, looking at the doorway. It definitely wasn't big enough to haul a couch through.

"It was already out here, I was waiting for my mom to come and pick it up for her house. So we're all going to sleep out here, right? Well Dolley-"

"Dolley!? Right, oh god, where _is_ she!?"

Maria raised her eyebrow, pursing her lips. "I was just about to get to that. Dolley ended up pissing herself, I mean she was totally demolished, what do you expect, and she was really upset about it, so she decided to just go and ask James and Thomas if she could borrow some of their clothes to sleep in. Except for _some reason_ she thought it was a good idea to climb on the fucking _roof_ to just knock on their bedroom _window_ instead of being a  _reasonable human being_ and ringing the doorbell. Which is why the cops are here."

"Did she break into their house?" Angelica asked, concerned, and Maria just closed her eyes, taking a deep breath.

"Yes she did. But not until this morning. And it was an accident. Thomas opened the window and didn't know she was asleep on the god damn roof, so she just tried to go inside. James flipped the fuck out and called the cops. He didn't know it was her. But now he does, and they're getting her off the roof, so everything's gonna be fine."

"Ma'am, you're under arrest."

"Apparently everything is not gonna be fine."

Angelica and Maria both whirled around, eyes wide, to see Dolley being put in handcuffs and shoved into the back of the police car, kicking and screaming. "Fuck off of me, I'm a lawyer! I know my rights! I didn't do anything wrong!" she yelled, "I'm highly respected in my field, you don't need to arrest me because I was a little drunk! Do you seriously think I was trying to rob them!? Do I look like some criminal to you!?"

"Ma'am, you're wearing croc sandals and you have a toy lightsaber strapped to your shorts. I don't think you could rob a three year old's piggy bank. Get in the car," he said, pushing her by the top of the head into the backseat. 

Maria and Angelica dashed up to him, angry looks on their faces. "What the hell is this!? She didn't do anything wrong, did she!? Maria said she explained the whole situation," Angelica demanded, earning a sigh from the officer.

"Well first of all, Miss Payne resisted arrest, punched one of my officers in the dick, and before that she lied to us and told us her name was Jenny Pickett. Not to mention she busted a hole in Mr. Jefferson's roof.  _Intentionally._ With her foot. You can post bail later after we take her down to the station. You ladies have a good morning."

 

As soon as the cops had pulled away, Dolley's angry screaming still audible from inside the car, the door of Maria's house burst open from the inside, making Eliza spill her nachos. It was Peggy. She had a fake scorpion taped to her head.

"What the fuck is happening!?"


End file.
